Watching
by psycho-girl101
Summary: Remus and Sirius are both watching. One is watching life slip through his fingers. The other is the only one looking hard enough to save him. 1st in the WWW Trilogy
1. Existence

**Thought, I may as well go back and fix this so it is posted in original format as I liked it beter this way.**

**Watching**

Remus had been watching for a very long time. Ever since he had been a little boy he had been watching. People lived; animals survived. Since he had been bitten that was all he had become, an animal, all he was capable of was surviving. And watching. Watching, every other child his age have what he wanted so desperately to have; a life. 

It stung when he was younger, to see all the other children going to the park or the beach when he couldn't because he was too 'ill'. The truth was his parents had been ashamed of what he was, what he had become. So they hid him away hoping that if they ignored 'it' maybe their 'problem', as they had called him, would just disappear. He had grown to understand what a repulsive thing he was an had gradually learnt to blend in with the furniture so at least their dream could come true in some way.

As he grew older he began to believe he would never be able to participate in life, he would remain watching, like a waxwork, for his entire miserable existence. But a single letter changed his stars in a way he couldn't have dreamt of. He was going to Hogwarts. he was being giving a chance to live. Or at least that was what he had hoped. Things didn't work out that way.

Firstly he hadn't been able to get the train with all the other students, on account of the time and lunar alignment. He had been forced to miss the sorting and welcoming feast, due to his condition and finally he had to forfeit the first three days of school because of the effects and the healing process his body had to undertake to repair all the scratches and bruising; it still couldn't stop the scarring, mentally or otherwise.

All these things added up to his alienation from the other students and from then on they ignored him and he retreated further within himself. The one small mercy in this blatant disregard was the removal of the need to lie to anyone about where he went every month. On the contrary no one appeared to notice his disappearances.

So here Remus sits, four years later, and he's still watching. His floppy, dull, sandy hair covers one of his eyes almost complete but no one notices, they were a dull blue-ish colour anyway. His robes are dull and tatty. His books are dull and second-hand because he has to buy everything himself. His existence is dull and, from Remus' point of view, utterly pointless.


	2. Saviour

Little does Remus know someone has been watching him for a very long time. Four whole years, in fact. Sirius Black is one of the most popular boys in Gryffindor tower at the present time. Why wouldn't he be? After all, he had every teacher wound round his little finger by keeping his marks high and speaking golden syrup when in earshot , all the girls adore him and the boys either admire him or fear the wrath of his family. But Sirius Black doesn't want this. He doesn't like his life. He hates his life. Everyone takes one look at him and assumes he is use to being centre of attention. But on the contrary he knows what it's like to be invisible. He gets the silent treatment at home. In the Noble and Most Ancient House of Black he is invisible and has been for four years or rather ever since he became a Gryffindor. But that doesn't bother him, it was better than being beaten as he usually was when he did something against his father's liking. All those wonderful things everyone at school knows him to be he would happily give up, for one simple thing. 

All he wants to do is talk to the boy with the fringe that covers his pale, pointed and slightly scarred face. He had been observing this boy, this Remus Lupin, for 1461 days in counting and he finds him fascinating. He marvels at the way he is so subtly brilliant yet doesn't seem to be aware of his own talent. He wonders why he disappears for three days every month. He longs to ask why he is so bruised and scarred and pale. He knows every habit Remus has, like the way he bites his thumb nail when he's thinking or the way he lies curled up very tightly when he sleeps, although Sirius knows that Remus doesn't sleep well at all. Slowly Sirius had begun to realise he was obsessed with Remus.

Then it had hit him last night, when he had been watching Remus sleeping. Remus had been fitting in his slumber, fighting some unknown creature. Sirius had wanted to go over and sooth him, stop his fear and along with this urge realisation had hit him. He loved Remus.

What should he do? He couldn't keep watching anymore. Every time he even glanced at the other boy his insides melted away and all he could think about was how beautiful Remus' visible eye was and how much he wanted to sweep away his fringe, look into both his eyes and... He shook his head briskly, shoving away all thoughts of Remus into a tiny corner of his mind. James had just said something and was looking at him expectantly.

'Err, sorry what?' Sirius asks.

James sighs and pushes his glasses up his nose.

'What's up? You've been off all day.'

'nothing,' Sirius blushes, something he never does. 'D'you know who that guy is?' He points at Remus.

'No clue.'

'I think we should talk to him.' Sirius says.

'Why? He's a loner.' James asks suspiciously.

'Well, all the more reason.' Sirius replies and marches off to finally talk to the boy with those amazing eyes.


	3. Conversation

Remus looked up sharply from the particularly thick novel he'd been reading, attempting to find the source of the shadow that had fallen over him. He found a boy staring back down at him. None other than Sirius Black. Remus had heard a lot about Sirius Black. He doubted Black had heard much about him. Maybe him and the Potter boy and the dopey little one who followed them about (although where'd he get of calling someone else dopey?) had grown tired of hammering on Snape -the greasy snot ball that he was, Remus still didn't think their vicious taunting was very fair- and were going to start on him now? He couldn't say he hadn't been expecting it to happen at some time, kids like him were born to be preyed upon and picked of by the predators – the stronger kids. 

'Hi.'

Remus flinches horrible, bracing himself for the first insult. But it doesn't come happen. Hi? Wait, was this one of those mind games?

'Eh, sorry – what?'

_Way to go thick-o! _Remus mentally berates himself,

_'You've sure got a way with words.'_

**_'Oh shut up.'_**

_'Hey don't take it out on me!'_

**_'Well, you're my brain and I wish you weren't so sarcastic.'_**

_'Sorry sir, your wish is my command. NOT!'_

'Just SHUT UP!' Remus shouts out loud. A flush rises in his cheeks as Sirius' eyebrows disappear into his hairline, wherever it is.

'I only said hi.' Sirius feigns a hurt look, rather successfully in his opinion.

_'Better think fast.'_

**_'You are meant to help, you know. Now QUIET!'_**

Oh yeah I know, I wasn't talking to yo- I mean- I- err- hi.' He bypasses pink and progresses to maroon instantaneously.

'Hi, It's Remus isn't it?' Sirius says, knowing full well that his name is Remus John Lupin and also feeling rather pleased with the knowledge that that said R.J. Lupin was finally tuned into the conversation.

'Uh, yeah, that's me.' Remus is stilled baffled as to why a boy as popular as Sirius Black is talking to him, nicely.

'I'm Sirius, Sirius Black.' Sirius announces, although it is entirely un-required as both of them know, that he knows, that Remus knows, precisely who he is.

'Err, yeah, I know. Sorry, but why are talking to me?' He asks, genuinely confused.

'Honestly?' Sirius asks, rapidly creating an excuse, luckily he has many to choose from. 'Well, you don't have any friends so I thought I'd try and make you a new one. But if you want me to leave...' He lets the sentence hang, hoping that Remus will jump in, he doesn't hope in vain.

'No! Don't go I was just wondering...You're the first person to take interest in me...Thanks.' Remus says quietly.

'Don't mention it.' Sirius waves it away with a hand. 'Do you wanna come and sit with me, James and Peter?' He gestures casually at the tree by the lake (where James and Peter are laughing at something or other) while his insides change their setting from butterfly to conga.

Sirius outstretches a hand, offering Remus help up. And in that moment Remus made a decision. No longer would he be the boy in the corner. He would change his name if he had to, if that was what it took. By this stage he had taken Sirius' hand and was on his feet. He was still holding Sirius's hand.


	4. Nightmare

A month later and a new boy had taken his place. This boy had friends, confidence, a smile; two visible eyes. Yet it was still Remus Lupin. And he had Sirius to thank for it all. Sirius had introduced him to an enormous amount of new faces, fresh people who wanted to hear what he had to say, people who laughed at his jokes; people who cared. Sirius had been the one to suggest he cut his hair, revealing his whole face, and he had never received more second glances. It was Sirius who had given him back his confidence, his laugh, his smile. Sirius had made him, him again. 

Sirius, James and Peter were all his best friends now. They had a sort of gang, The Marauders (he had suggested the name), but James and (especially not) Peter could never be quite as special as Sirius.

Remus and Sirius both appeared to have severe insomnia, compared to James and Peter who both slept like logs, and they would sit up long hours into the night and early morning, talking. But tonight when Sirius had lain in bed for over three hours he pulled open his curtains and saw Remus' never slept in bed next to his own. Remus was gone.

Panic flooded Sirius' system, replacing his blood with ice (or fire he wasn't sure which), and he leapt out of bed. He was down the stairs and out into the common room in an instant (thank, God he wore proper pyjama's that night) but this only brought home the stark fact that Remus was no where in Gryffindor tower. He headed out the portrait hole immediately, ready to search the whole castle but a voice spoke drowsily,

'Where do you think you are going?' It was the Fat Lady , and she didn't seem pleased about being woken up at this time of night.

'I was just wondering, have you seen Remus?' He asked, in an attempt at being inconspicuous, which of course failed as it was obvious he had been desperate.

'He hasn't come out that portrait hole all night now back to bed!' The Fat Lady, who was suddenly alert and very on the ball snapped.

Sirius sullenly slunk back inside, an undeterminable fear gripping his insides. Where was Remus? He had grown to love Remus more than he felt should be mentally possible and he lived for their midnight conversations. He sat down in an armchair near the dying embers and watched the portrait hole, willing it to swing open and reveal Remus' slim form. But it didn't. Soon the fire went out entirely and he was sitting in almost pitch black, but for the faint moonlight streaming through the high windows. His eyes pricked and their lids drooped, he willed himself not to fall asleep, but he did and his mind was still on Remus. He dreamt of Remus. He was lost in a forest and Sirius was yelling to him but Remus couldn't see he was right there. Remus was crying, screaming for Sirius but he couldn't see that he, Sirius, was right there with him.

_'Sirius!'_ Remus was yelling. _'Sirius!'_

**'Sirius?'**


	5. Careless

**'Sirius.'**

'Remus!' He shouted, slamming out of his seat and banging heads with James. Cursing, James reeled away, holding his nose which had rapidly begun to drip blood. Several girls who had been coming down the stairs giggled nervously and rushed from the common room. It was morning. James had been trying to wake Sirius for at least ten minutes and what did he get? A bloodied nose.

'We're leabin'.' He said thickly and stormed away, Peter in tow.

Sirius didn't bother to stop him, too angry with himself for falling asleep and missing Remus returning, irritated that he was now going to be late and going to miss breakfast, and also in a lot of pain round his left eye. He didn't make matters any better for himself when he tore his schoolbag zipper and kicked his trunk in frustration.

It was quarter past nine by the time he was ready and then he forgot which class he was suppose to be in, bringing him to the greenhouses instead of classroom eleven (Transfiguration). All in all it hadn't been a brilliant start to the day. It only got worse when he received another detention from McGonagall, a very icy glare from James (who had already had his nose fixed) and the realisation that Remus was not in class. The fact that the girl's who sat in front informed him that a black eye was not in the slightest attractive only made his temper flare earning him another detention. The morning passed in a tiring, distracted blur involving many points lost on his behalf and the delights of almost being eaten by a squible (a highly-unpleasant, carnivorous creature they were studying in Care of Magical Creatures) . James and Peter didn't talk to him all day and there was still no sign of Remus. By the end of the day Sirius was ready to jump off the Astronomy tower. He knew there was only one cure for blues like this; Quidditch. He shouldered his broom and stalked out of the common room, leaving James and Peter behind.

He kicked off from the ground and instantly felt better. He flew higher and higher. The wind rushing through his hair, the knowledge that he was in control-but not for long it would appear. His broom began to buck and twist, like an animal out of control. If he had been less concerned about falling off he may have seen the greasy shadow of Severus Snape slinking away but as it was he was a little bit more concerned about falling. Soon he was unable to hold on anymore and he fell.

He didn't cry out however and the only thought to travel through his mind was, _oh well, _before he came into harsh contact with the ground and then he didn't think about anything more.


	6. Unbelievable

The feeling one receives upon waking up after falling a hundred feet is not a pleasant one, to say the very least. Sirius would have, if you asked him, described it as being hit over the head by a cinderblock attached to a bludger, flying at- at very least- 300 miles per hour. However while he was doing this himself he wasn't really in the mood for descriptions. 

Remus himself was going through the identical process at the exact same time. If he had been asked however, he would have said it hurt the first couple of times but you get use to it, after all he had. He opened his eyes to a different room than the one he remembered passing out in but he hadn't expected to. He had gotten to know this room rather well the hospital wing. It's white-wash walls and white sheets and white everything were part of his routine. He knew it had to be Tuesday by now; full moon had been Sunday night. He was always unconscious for one whole day, although that was admittedly better than the three or four days it had once been, when he was younger.

The infirmary looked the same as usual. He was in his bed, furthest from Madame Pomfrey's office with an excellent view of the quidditch pitches; he liked to think of it as his seeing as he was the person who used it most. From there he had a nice outlook on the entire wing, and (when they were open) out the doors into the corridor itself.

Most of the beds were empty he was pleased to see. The more people here the larger a chance of being asked what had happened to him. There was a tiny girl in the end, clearly first year, who was bright green and appeared to have lost all facial orifices so she wasn't up to 'chatting' even if she had felt like it. Shaking his head benignly he cast his eyes to the other line of beds he saw only one other face, in the bed closest to his own. His eyes widened in shock. It was the person he had least expected. No way...


	7. Nothing

Sirius slowly sat up, shaking his head like a dog attempting to unclog water from its' ears, but he soon stopped as it hurt too much. He opened his eyes wearily, afraid of confirming what he already assumed; he was in the hospital wing. But there was no hiding from it and as soon as he opened them a tad the white-washed walls were already glaring at him in that disapproving way everything about hospitals succeeded in doing. He snapped them shut again groaning inwardly. What had happened to his broomstick? Someone must have jinxed it, but who? One answer sprung to mind instantaneously. Snape. God damn him, he would pay for this! James and Remus and Peter would make su- He stopped the thought in it's tracks. James wasn't talking to him, which meant Peter wasn't talking to him and Remus... Well, he had no clue where Remus was. With a fierce jolt in his stomach he realised he may never see Remus again, never hear Remus again... 

'Sirius!' A soft voice exclaimed. He knew that voice.

His eyes if anything grew wider still as Sirius whipped round in his bed, right beside Remus' own.

'Remus?' He choked slightly, 'WHAT THE BLOODY HELL HAPPENED TO YOU?' He yelled.

'Shhh!' Remus gestured wildly at the matron's office. 'I have a virus.' He felt very unclean when lying to people, especially people who matter as much to him as Sirius did. But he knew he had to do it, otherwise Sirius would never speak to him again. He wasn't protecting himself, he was protecting Sirius, wasn't he? 'What happened to you?' He quickly switched the subject hoping Sirius wouldn't notice.

'I was flying and, well, I don't quite know what happened- but I sort of fell off-' Sirius blushed.

'How come James and Peter didn't save you?' Remus asked, wide-eyed with shock and concern.

'They weren't there, we- err- we aren't speaking.' Sirius mumbled, fiddling with the corner of the bed sheet.

'What!' Remus bolted upright, instantly regretting the sudden movement. 'Why?' He grimaced and eased himself back onto the pillows in what he hoped was a subtle fashion praying Sirius hadn't noticed his weakness.

Sirius did notice. He also knew Remus was lying to him. A virus? Yet right. It stung to know that after all the trouble worrying about Remus had caused him, Remus wasn't even going to have the decency to tell the truth?

'Erm, I, well, I don't know really. ' Sirius daren't meet Remus' eye and kept his firmly planted on the white bed spread.

Remus glared into the side of Sirius' head. Well if Sirius wasn't going to tell the truth then he certainly wasn't going to feel guilty about lying.

'Oh really?' He arched an eyebrow.

No, Sirius couldn't sit here and blatantly lie to Remus. God damn him! Why of all people did Sirius have to love someone so irritatingly beautifully truth-inducing?

'No,' He sighed deeply _Here goes nothing, '_I was really freaked out when I saw your bed was empty at like 1:00 in the morning and I couldn't find you so I went down to the common room to wait on you and I guess I fell asleep. James was waking me up and I think I broke his nose,' Remus couldn't help but snort with laughter, 'I'm not sure on that one so don't quote me and he stormed off and we haven't really talked since.' Sirius drew breath and continued before Remus could interrupt, 'But I was really worried about you all day and I couldn't concentrate and I decided to go flying, do not ask why. Well, that's how I got here I guess but the main thing is I was so scared and I kept thinking the worst and, Christ I just sort of flipped out all day. So what really happened to you?' Sirius finished daring to finally look into Remus' eyes. His mouth was hanging open slightly and his eyes were the size of dinner plates.

Remus knew that he had heard the truth. The whole truth. Now it was his turn. But he couldn't, could he? Sirius cared about him, Sirius had been worried about him. And Remus knew as soon as he told the truth, all that would change. But he had to, what if it was different, what if Sirius understood? Yet Remus knew he wouldn't. But he owed it to Sirius. He took a deep breath of his own and broke the eye contact.

'I have something to tell you,' Sirius looked like he was about to break in and Remus held up a hand, 'Let me speak first, this is difficult for me. I have a- a problem. When I was smaller, I had an accident. I was bitten.' He hung his head with shame, 'I can't remember how it happened I just woke up a week later and my own parent's and brother, Romulus were suddenly terrified of me. Every full moon I change. Sirius, I-I'm a wer-I'm a werewolf.' His eyes burned with unshed tears. Sirius didn't say anything. _He's disgusted,_ Remus thought bitterly, _He can't even look at me never mind speak to me. _For it was true, Sirius was staring pointedly in the other direction. Remus turned his face to the window, staring blankly at the pitch, and curled up in a very small ball, tears coursing silently down his cheeks. For he knew he had just lost the best friend he had ever had.


	8. Disappear

_' Sirius, I-I'm a wer-I'm a werewolf.' _Suddenly Sirius couldn't breathe properly, like a Hippogriff was standing on his chest. Remus was a werewolf. He was in love with a werewolf. He turned his head away for fear he might laugh if he continued to look at Remus, or he would cry. If there had been any other way to disappoint his parents he had just found it. And he couldn't have been happier. Remus was different too. They were both outcasts, secretly. Maybe this meant he could finally tell Remus his feelings...

He turned his head back and opened his mouth, but Remus had turned away. Away from him.

Remus must have fallen asleep like that because he woke up in near complete darkness, save for the light torches in the corridor. All the other beds were empty, including the one Sirius had vacated. But he hadn't really expected him to want to stay anywhere near him had he? Or perhaps that tiny part of him had hoped Sirius had actually understood and NOT cared? How thick was that little part of him? Almost as thick as the larger part that had thought Remus was finally getting his life back, no, getting a life. He felt alright, which was peculiar because he normally felt terrible for at least three days after waking up. Small mercy really.

He went into the Matron's office and wrote a short note thanking her and signing himself out. Not that she would like it but he couldn't really have cared less.

As he was trudging back to the dormitory a horrid thought struck him. Sirius would have told James and Peter. And if James knew that meant the rest of Gryffindor tower would know (he had a rather poor habit of shouting out secrets randomly) and if every Gryffindor knew, it would barely take until breakfast tomorrow for everyone to know. They would all know he was a werewolf. He couldn't face that. What could he do? There was no alternative. He would have to leave Hogwarts. His only real home. But it would never feel like home again if everyone was suddenly afraid of him.

It was well past midnight so he felt sure no one would be downstairs and his suspicion was proved correct, the common room was deserted. From there he crept up the boys spiral staircase and checked his dormitory. Three of the four four-poster beds had their curtains drawn. Sirius, Peter and James were all concealed behind them. He silently packed the bare essentials into a bag and left all in a matter of minutes, but not before drawing the curtains on his own bed, it simply seemed right.

He crept downstairs and on through the castle unseen, right up to the front gates of Hogwarts Grounds, once he passed through these gates he would never get back through again. Passing a hand over the bars of the gates he felt a tingle of electricity, magic. He knew all about the charms upon those gates being one of the very few people who had actually read 'Hogwarts, a history'. '_Here it goes' _He thought and stepped towards them.

'Remus!' A voice exclaimed. He whipped round and once again saw the person he felt sure it couldn't possibly be. 


	9. Intervention

For Remus had been seen. Sirius had been coming back from the bathroom when Remus had entered the dormitory. He had stood utterly motionless holding bated breath as Remus had closed the curtains of his bed and left with a bag of personal effects. Where was he going?

Sirius had snatched up James invisibility cloak and followed Remus closely up until they had reached the front gates. Suddenly it all clicked together in his head, like on of those really irritating muggle contraptions, a jigsaw. Remus was running away. Because of him.

He couldn't stand here and watch as Remus left, he would never see him again.

'Remus!' he cried as he yanked off the cloak, darting forwards as Remus stepped closer to the gates. 'Don't!' He cried. Remus saw him and his eyes widened in surprise. They both stood frozen for a moment, staring at each other in a moment of uncertainty. Then Sirius knew what he was to do. There was no rhyme nor reason to it but he had to. He rushed those last few feet and kissed Remus.

Everything simply melted away and there was just him and Remus, alone in their own little world, just as he wanted it. His hands in Remus hair. The feel of Remus' hands on his back. Their kiss was soft yet passionate, perfect. They were perfect. After a very, very long time (in both their minds) they broke apart. And all they could do was smile.

'Don't go.' Sirius whispered. Remus could only nod his head. Then he took Sirius hand and they walked back to the castle; together. Neither of them watching anymore.

Fin.

**_Reviews are appreciated XD - I'll see you in Wishing, the sequel!_**


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